The thing about cell phones

I suppose every generation has its "thing". You know, that flash trend that seems to become the standard by which everyone values themselves (and others). There are some that are universal and timeless (at least as we Americans go) like houses, cars, jewelry, etc. More nefarious, and often hilarious, are these "status products" that the average joe puts way too much faith and effort into in order to make him/herself seem and feel more important/cool/wealthy/interesting etc.

I am continually fascinated by the sociology surrounding cellphones. There are so many factions of cell phone users that I hope anthropologists in the future end up thinking of them as tribes. I can only imagine them trying to dissect the various practices of each sect and their meanings/origins. For instance, take the Nextel people. These people feel compelled to not only have a cell phone, they want it to function like a walkie-talkie too. How this is any different from a standard cellphone with a speaker phone, I really don't get, but the Nextel People are insistent that they NEED a walkie talkie feature. Perhaps is some technologically chic trucker thing, you know, kind of CB radio for the 2000's. One of my favorite things is when you see some moron with one of these having an inanely ordinary conversation with someone else (usually meandering down the aisle of the grocery store) discussing something really important, like listing off the things he/she is walking by to the person on the other end. I'm also amused when these people can't work the volume of the walkie-talkie portion of the cellphone right, so as a result, they end up having to hold the phone up to their ear so they can hear the other person's replies. Then they move the phone toward their mouth to answer the person. How the hell is that any different than a regular cell phone, even without a speakerphone? Maybe it's some desire for the world to overhear their conversation (although, if that's is, couldn't they talk about something more interesting than "well, Kraft mayonaisse is $1.79, but Miracle Whip is on sale for $1.59")?

While we're on Nextel, I think they were the first ones to start what has become THE symbol of being someone important in the corporate world, the BlackBerry . I tell you, people in the corporate world (in which my "straight"/day job in unfortunately entrenched) treat these things like they are a hotline to the President. I get such joy out of watching these imbeciles look at their BlackBerries so very urgently in mid-sentence with other colleagues as if they've just received launch codes from the Pentagon. These people must not realize how totally transparent they are. Maybe they don't know that we've all figured out that the email they're just received is just another SPAM message about hot, naked co-eds, or a read receipt from some message they sent earlier. In other words, people, we are not impressed. So what? Your phone beeps when an email hits your inbox...spectacular! Will wonders never cease? But these people think that we all believe that they are so important, that they must receive updates via BlackBerry of the current coordinates of every satellite in geosynchronous orbit around our planet.

My other favorite thing about BlackBerries is the people who have them, but can't understand how to work them. I swear, I used to work for a Commercial Real Estate company and we ran a huge Datacenter  for a MAJOR computer company (think Ross Perot). At one point this company decided it was imperative that all their Hardware Planning staff, Network Engineers, SysAdmins, carry BlackBerries. I promise you, none of these people could figure them out. These were people who could completely take apart and rebuild Tape Silos , and they couldn't work BlackBerries!! There were people that spoke fluent COBOL  and worked on AS/400 computers all day, but they were baffled by how to turn on/off ringers for their email, IM's, etc. These types are really the cream of the BlackBerry Crop. Not only do they think that we're impressed that they have a gadget strapped to them that beeps contstantly, but they think that we don't see the look of utter bewilderment as they randomly push buttons, turn scroll wheels, and click things trying to get it to stop beeping. They seem to think that we are unaware that they have no idea what that last beep was for nor do they know how many emails/IM's they have received. Priceless!!

Then there are those Bluetooth people. These are truly the dregs of society. These people don't have enough money to go full on BlackBerry, so they're gonna dazzle us with their Uhura schtick. Why are these things even necessary? Similar to my not underanding why people think they need walkie-talkies, I don't get why these people think they need both hands free. Moreover, they rarely use both hands for anything because (drumroll please) one hand is holding the earpice closer to their ear!! You know, kind of like, oh I don't know, A REGULAR CELLPHONE!! Geez, people, if you're going to attempt to impress is with this thing, at least use it like it's supposed to be used. Don't press it into your ear canal with one hand. Then it just looks like you're trying to dislodge some ear wax that's gotten out of control. And those of you who have mastered the hands free thing, we're no fans of yours either. It's really not amusing anymore to make eye contact when walking into a room, continue with your conversation (via your Bluetooth) and then act annoyed if we (unaware that you are wearing a Bluetooth) assume you're speaking to us. I mean, come on, isn't this a little much? If you wanna impress me, get a little R2D2 and have a conversation via Hologram with Princess Leah, then I'll be impressed.

Those of you with the "poor man's" Bluetooth, the Hands Free Device , please stop holding the cord so the little "microphone bud" is closer to your mouth. It looks so friggin silly when you do that. It's as pointless as the Nextel people and the Bluetooth people. If you don't know how to set it up to truly use it "hands free", then why bother? Is holding the whole cellphone to your ear too much work? Is it just easier to dangle that little cord in front of your face? If you're going to hold something up to your face, but don't want it to be your cellphone, go for one of These Babies . If you're gonna go, go with style. I mean, talk about going "old school".

Whoops, gotta go, my cell phone's ringing..........(just kidding)